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Trust…

Trust: confident expectation of something; hope.  The Bible tells us to trust.  I think some people are born trusting.  Trusting that the world is a good place, that nothing can or will go wrong…I’m not one of those people.  Trust doesn’t come easy to me.  I suppose that I could come up with all kinds of reasons, but the honest truth is it’s just not in my nature.  Perhaps I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me one too many times.  I’m cynical to a fault, and I’m sure that it has something to do with my lack of trust.

From a ministry point of view, things are going really well.  Dan is happier than I’ve ever seen him with his job.  He loves knowing that he’s making a difference.  Our support is holding steady-in this economy, that’s got to be a God thing.  School is out for the summer, and the Lord has provided jobs for both Heather and Kristina without us having to travel to the US.  Patrick is able to attend summer school during the month of July, which he desperately needs in order to hold on to the fragile gains that he made toward the end of his first grade year.  He is repeating first grade next year, at the request of Dan and I, in order to ensure success as he continues through school.

SO…what’s the problem, you ask?  Good question.  My sense of foreboding is tingling-my “Spidey-sense”, I suppose you could call it.  Daniel is in Ohio, working this summer.  He’s had a rough start to the summer-he broke up with his long time girlfriend, and he’s had endless car problems.  I hate being so far away and trusting…there’s that word again…someone else to fix this for him.  Countless people have called or written to let me know that he’s OK, and I’m sure he IS, but I can’t see him.  I can’t hug him.  My heart is uneasy, no matter how many calls I get.  My mother-in-law, who is well on her way to sainthood for the way that she has taken care of him, keeps telling me he’s OK.  So why can’t I get past this?  Dan offered to buy me a plane ticket, just so I could see him, but we really don’t have the money.  (And that’s not a plug, so please don’t take it that way).  Plus, I really want to be HERE this summer, working with teams, living in my house, playing with my new sewing machine.  I know-I’m hard to please.  In addition, Daniel’s financial aid has changed considerably from last year, and we are facing a major shortfall in order for him to remain in school.  I hate that.  I don’t know how to fix it.  God does, but right now He’s not saying much.  I’m sure He’s waiting for me to stop stewing about it and let Him handle it…but of course I’m not there yet.  Trust.  Doesn’t come easy for me.

After spending the last 5 1/2 years getting my degree in Special Education so that I could move from my job in the library to a job teaching, it appears that the door has been closed for me in that area.  There are countless ways that I can use my degree within Extreme Response, but I have to work at the school in order to pay the kids’ tuition.  Trust.  God has this one, right?  He knows.  And once again, I’m not hearing anything.  This morning we sang “Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord”.  How long do we have to wait?  Was I supposed to take a number and didn’t?  I’m used to waiting-you wait for everything down here.  Dan spend 7 hours waiting in line on Thursday to get our cars emissions checked…only to have them fail.  Wait.  Patience isn’t one of my virtues.  I suppose that coupled with that pesky trust issue, I’m pretty hopeless.

Please pray for me.  I’ve been in the dark places before.  I don’t like them.  Pray for my Daniel.  Pray that his heart stops hurting.  Pray for this tuition situation.  Pray for the situation with me and the school that I work at.  I know…it’s a lot to ask.  I’m sorry.

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About findingcyndi

I am a writer, reader, lover of words. I maintain a passionate love affair with a good cup of coffee--milk, not creamer. I am married to Dan, my best friend and soul-mate. Mom to Daniel, Heather, Kristina and Patrick. Daughter of the King of Kings. Connoisseur of humor...the drier the better. Full time student, full time mom, full time wife, full time missionary, full time librarian...full time loopy. I love jazz music and dark chocolate, antiques and Audrey Hepburn movies.

One response »

  1. Cyndi–just got this today as I am back in the Atlanta office…I was gone over the weekend and yesterday…talk about trust and motherhood and wanting to “fix” everything for our children…..I was already scheduled to go up and speak at my home church on Sunday night and last night in their Bible School. I got a call on Saturday afternoon that Jonathan’s house had burned and he had lost everything….that on top of a week that started last Monday with him being declared “legally blind” in his right eye as a result of the accident a few months ago…..just like you, I was struggling with Father–what are You doing? Where do we go from here? How do I help my son? AND once again, Father was there–the speaking went great, Jonathan’s dad has stepped up and is letting him stay back at home…people are offering clothes, etc. I am still not totally able to relax but I am trying to rest in Him and be patient…so I’m with you, Mom! My prayers and my thoughts are with all of you, promise!

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