Yesterday, for the first time in probably 7 years, I attended the weekly kid’s club at the dump. One of the drawbacks (among the MANY blessings) of working at the Alliance Academy was that it kept me out of the ministry loop, other than the yearly Christmas parties. During the last several party weeks, I have found myself very disturbed at the fact that I was essentially just like most of our team members–coming in for the week of the parties but not having much involvement throughout the rest of the year. Working full-time drained what little energy that my fibromyalgia consented to give me, and left me too exhausted for much else.
At the start of the 2012-2013 school year, Dan and I did a lot of talking and praying about whether or not it was time for me to resign from the school and become more actively involved with Extreme Response. It was not an easy decision. I have worked very hard to get my degree in Special Education, and last year I was moved from the library to the classroom. I was beyond excited and yet I knew in my heart of hearts that it would only be for the one year. Kristina was graduating, and Patrick’s educational needs were becoming more intense. In October I talked to my supervisor and essentially turned in a 7 month notice. There was an immediate peace. At the end of the year I cleaned out my much-loved classroom, turned in my key, withdrew Patrick and walked out the door into the unknown.
Patrick is being home-schooled now, and so far things are going well for the most part. I home-schooled my other children when they were small, but even so I found myself very nervous at the prospect of starting over. I now have three children in college, and the identity crisis that has resulted from this development has left me reeling. I have no specific job assignment with Extreme Response, which is unnerving for me. We joined ER in December of 2006, and I went to work at the school in February of 2007. For the last seven years, Dan and I have had separate identities. Now all of a sudden he still has his, and I am floating out here without mine. I now have one child at home instead of four, I’m not working for the first time in years, and the things that I think I want to do don’t seem to be on anyone else’s agenda, including Gods. He is being conspicuously silent on just exactly what it is He would like for me to throw myself into next.
I mentioned before that I had complete peace about resigning–I still have that. I know that my time at the school had ended, and so this isn’t really meant to be a “Gee, I really wish I hadn’t done that” post. It’s more of a “what now?” post. Going to the dump yesterday felt good, and right, and I enjoyed it. I told Dan that I would help with it this year, and I am looking forward to that, but it can’t be all that I do. For one thing, it’s an established ministry…someone else’s passion.
I guess all of this is to ask you to pray for me. I’m feeling anxious and panicky right now without a defined role anywhere. I am not a very good “waiter”–I need answers and organization and direction in order to function. I need a purpose. A passion. A hill to die on. I need to find me.
“Cat: Where are you going?
Alice: Which way should I go?
Cat: That depends on where you are going.
Alice: I don’t know.
Cat: Then it doesn’t matter which way you go.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland